What the?

So this post will likely be confusing, poorly written and have no flow or consistency whatsoever...

Today I posed a status on FaceBook, listing some stuff that Elijah has grown out of, asking my friends if they were interested in any of it. I have listed some of this on eBay before and although none of it sold, I was perfectly fine about it.

Today. Not so much.

Today, along with suggestions on how and where to sell this stuff, there were a few comments to the tune of "what, no more babies?!" and "Why not just have another baby"

Usually, when people suggest we (I, more specifically) have a/nother baby, I politely smile and with complete conviction say "not.a.chance"

... Not today...

Today I wrote 'no way, Jose' in response, but then found myself feeling a little sad, a little empty, a little strange.

Today, my brain went all silly and my uterus did flips and my hand went to my tummy and my heart asked "what if?"

A little like: well, mayyyyyybe I want to?

But then my brain kicked into gear and reminded me that I have a perfect son and I don't actually WANT to go through the baby making process again, be pregnant, give birth, breast feed. I don't NEED that... I don't want to want it.

And my fear reminded me that I have only one fallopian tube left and I'm probably all barren and scar tissued anyway, so what's the point? And who would WANT their VAGINA ripped open by a HEAD? Or worse, 40+ hours o labour followed by an emergency caesar like Jo? Not me! not.a.chance...

I have no idea where this has come from. I have no idea why.

Has anyone been through anything like this? Anyone got any insight for me?

I will light a candle...

I have been deeply affected this week by the sudden passing of a little girl that I had never heard of before...

I do not know her family, I don't follow her mother on twitter and I have never set eyes on her blog, but like hundreds (thousands?) of others, her passing has touched my heart.

The news spread fast, I could feel the anguish of strangers through the screen as I scrolled through the condolences and sadness and shock in the twitter community...

My heart has been stuck in my throat ever since I heard about the sudden passing of sweet, beautiful, lovely little Matilda Mae. She was 9 months old, she had beautiful brown eyes, she had a big bright smile... Her mother found her asleep in her cot... But she wasn't sleeping...

I have kissed Elijah a little more this week. Held him a little tighter, watched him sleeping - chest rising... falling... rising again... and prayed to whoever is out there that I never in my life experience what her family is going through.

I have read information on the SIDS
website over and over. I have removed all toys from his cot. I have cleaned a mould spot off his bedroom wall. I have been grateful that he dislikes blankets and prefers a sleep suit. I have cried for what a family of strangers have lost. I have felt gratitude for what I have...

I will light a candle for Matilda Mae... I have to do something...

I will never forget a little girl that I never met.


http://www.sidsandkids.org/

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

(Belated) Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

IF

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies
Or being hated don't give way to hating
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise

If you can dream,  and not make dreams your master
If you can think, and not make thoughts your aim
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue
Or walk with Kings, nor lose the common touch
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you
If all men count with you, but none too much
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it
And, which is more, you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling

.............................................

I remember memorising this poem as a young adult (I was really into poetry, wearing black and perfecting my broody expression hahaha)...  I loved it, I still do. I have always thought it was a lovely poem, full of good advice, that I would one day pass along to my son.

 

I haven't thought about it since Elijah was born until today, and as I was printing it out for him, I though I would share it with you all :)