Tuesday 12 February 2013

What the?

So this post will likely be confusing, poorly written and have no flow or consistency whatsoever...

Today I posed a status on FaceBook, listing some stuff that Elijah has grown out of, asking my friends if they were interested in any of it. I have listed some of this on eBay before and although none of it sold, I was perfectly fine about it.

Today. Not so much.

Today, along with suggestions on how and where to sell this stuff, there were a few comments to the tune of "what, no more babies?!" and "Why not just have another baby"

Usually, when people suggest we (I, more specifically) have a/nother baby, I politely smile and with complete conviction say "not.a.chance"

... Not today...

Today I wrote 'no way, Jose' in response, but then found myself feeling a little sad, a little empty, a little strange.

Today, my brain went all silly and my uterus did flips and my hand went to my tummy and my heart asked "what if?"

A little like: well, mayyyyyybe I want to?

But then my brain kicked into gear and reminded me that I have a perfect son and I don't actually WANT to go through the baby making process again, be pregnant, give birth, breast feed. I don't NEED that... I don't want to want it.

And my fear reminded me that I have only one fallopian tube left and I'm probably all barren and scar tissued anyway, so what's the point? And who would WANT their VAGINA ripped open by a HEAD? Or worse, 40+ hours o labour followed by an emergency caesar like Jo? Not me! not.a.chance...

I have no idea where this has come from. I have no idea why.

Has anyone been through anything like this? Anyone got any insight for me?



Thursday 7 February 2013

I will light a candle...

I have been deeply affected this week by the sudden passing of a little girl that I had never heard of before...

I do not know her family, I don't follow her mother on twitter and I have never set eyes on her blog, but like hundreds (thousands?) of others, her passing has touched my heart.

The news spread fast, I could feel the anguish of strangers through the screen as I scrolled through the condolences and sadness and shock in the twitter community...

My heart has been stuck in my throat ever since I heard about the sudden passing of sweet, beautiful, lovely little Matilda Mae. She was 9 months old, she had beautiful brown eyes, she had a big bright smile... Her mother found her asleep in her cot... But she wasn't sleeping...

I have kissed Elijah a little more this week. Held him a little tighter, watched him sleeping - chest rising... falling... rising again... and prayed to whoever is out there that I never in my life experience what her family is going through.

I have read information on the SIDS
website over and over. I have removed all toys from his cot. I have cleaned a mould spot off his bedroom wall. I have been grateful that he dislikes blankets and prefers a sleep suit. I have cried for what a family of strangers have lost. I have felt gratitude for what I have...

I will light a candle for Matilda Mae... I have to do something...

I will never forget a little girl that I never met.


http://www.sidsandkids.org/