Round 2

OK, so downward spiral has ended and everything is back to normal :) Sorry for that...  

Quite unexpectedly I was hit pretty hard with our negative. Although it would have been lovely, I didn't think we were quite that lucky ;) I really think it affected me so much because of other things that I see going on around me, even just within my own family, that make me really really mad. 

Anywho, on to round two. My amazing Jay stopped the progesterone pessaries and good old Aunt Flo came to visit, ugh. We have chosen another donor - we call him VDB, because he looks a bit like James Van Der Beek lol... We brought two ampules this time :) She heads up to the clinic tomorrow to collect the Gonal F pen and is on 75mg per day this cycle. This will mean lovely big fat follies! And that will mean lovely fertilised eggs. And THAT means perfect little baby (babies? :p) Well, at least that's my mantra at the moment.

Will it happen for us this time?

Vent... Sorry readers

I really apologise but I really need a vent...   We have 2 attempts at IUI left before we will be advised to go with IVF which we aren't able to do for financial reasons etc. We have two more chances for my wife to fall pregnant before we have to move on from this dream... For now if not for good. IUI won't be offered to me because of past issues which almost certainly mean IVF.  I sit back and watch undeserving people live my dreams and waste them. Even just within my family there is one woman that has had four abortions in the last year... There is another with three beautiful boys under five that have already lived in three states in their short lives... And a male family member with one child he doesn't bother seeing, two that have been removed from his care and now has some young thing pregnant again...  I am so mad. I am so hopeless at the moment. I can't tell my wife how I'm feeling - I don't want her to to know I'm feeling this way. I'm trying so hard to be positive for her, for us...  Ugh. Vent over. Sorry readers :/  

Negative

Just a quick post to update you all that it's a negative this month. Will post more soon but for now I'm off to bed for much needed snuggle time

Tara

A little hopeless today

On my way to work, while Jo waits for the nurse to call her for the blood test that tells us where we are on this rollercoaster. We text, she admits her frustration at being late for work... I admit I keep welling up... I don't know why except to say that with the tears come rushes of feeling hopeless, helpless, disappointed...

We will have the results by tomorrow - with no positive HPT's we both feel it's a no this month but who can tell hope that? Hope keeps on keeping on, refusing to go away and let common sense and clear mindedness take the reins.

Sorry for the melancholy.

Until next time. Tee x 

Rollercoaster

Hmmm so at this point it appears our positive was indeed caused by the trigger shot... We got a negative HPT yesterday. I think the worst part is, that this goes against her 'symptoms'. Cramping up until day 7/8 and now nausea each morning and moments of unexpected and unexplained tears... That's kinda cruel...

Jo has had her sad reaction and I'm pretty sure she's OK at this point... I'm OK, have decided that it ain't over 'til it's over and we won't know until we get the bloods done on Thursday/results Friday. We may home test again on Thursday, it can't hurt.

By no means did we actually expect it to work the first time - but why do it if there's no hope, right? Of course we hoped... I feel responsible somehow for Jo being so disappointed. I have been super positive and unwavering in my 'sureness' that we will be the lucky ones that get their YAY.

If the bloods are negative, we will need to choose another donor and start injecting Gonal F again... Then, in about two weeks we will tightly cross our fingers and go back to the start of this crazy ride with insemination number 2. We have three goes. Three tries. Three attempts to get this right... No pressure...

7 days...

So today we are 7 days past ovulation... 7 days past our first insemination. We are obviously going completely insane here lol...

Jay has been experiencing 'symptoms' and we have hinted at taking a home test early, in spite of knowing better. We finally decided to but before we did it we had a conversation that went a bit like: 'if it's a positive that's great and if it's a negative we just wait like we should have until we are supposed to test'. Then... Lo and behold we get a faint line. It's faint but it's there. I know a line is a line and a line means there is HCG in her system but she is totally unconvinced lol. We won't know for sure until the bloods on the 16th and there's every chance that this line was caused by the trigger shot (which has HCG hormone in it) but I won't give up hope!

So it's done. Phew!

We showed up sooooooooo early, sat in the sun, cuddled, laughed, hoped and prepared as much as we could... We walked in together and paid the bill and after a while in the waiting room we were directed to a little room with a bed where we signed the paper work, checked the donor number and waited for our Dr... He came in, talked quietly for a bit about what was about to happen and then we got down to business :) I declined to do the squirting myself, even though it was offered. It was nice that it was offered :) The insemm part lasted about two minutes in total and then Jo just laid there for a few minutes and we go up and drove home :) She had some mild cramping in the afternoon but nothing intense... Now it's just the progesterone pessaries for the next two weeks and we test on the 16h... It's gonna be a looong two weeks :p